Free Market Squirrel Feeders

I don't need a bunch of politicians to kill my free capital market. I control it myself.

Oh, how times have changed. People that used to throw stuff at me are now trying to hand feed me. Sometimes I even take their handouts but I have no intention of being domesticated.

I am a rebel without a cause. As docile as I may look I am always on high alert. They are not turning me into some hand-fed, furry-faced, pudgy pacifist. You never know when some generous Jekyll is going to make me want to Hyde.

I stay in shape even though most people have stopped chasing me. I don’t think it is from compassion—I think the old fools are past their prime and can’t find the energy to attempt thwarting me any longer.

I’m an industry now and they know it. Wherever they go they will find squirrel feeders and squirrel-proof feeders. I have the power. I manipulate the consumer and the manufacturer. There are certain feeders that seem squirrel proof. They are usually quite pricey. For a year or two I let people think I can’t crack them. It takes great willpower on my part to leave them alone for such a long period of time—but I’m letting them ripen. Word gets around that these contraptions are squirrel-proof and before you know it they are flying off the store shelves no matter how much they cost. Some of these feeders are hanging in every backyard in North America piled high with the best quality seed money can buy.

Once a majority of people are fully vested in these dream machines, the swindle is sweet and I move in for the Hairy harvest.

Buy this time they are so heavily invested in new hardware and seed they can’t afford to try anything else. Their seed market has just crashed and they are too embarrassed to admit to themselves or their friends. In fact, they convinced all their friends to buy these silly contraptions. Are they going to run over and tell them they were wrong, it was all a mistake? No, they are going to continue the hoax that their feeder is still squirrel-proof. Deny, deny, deny.

Don’t let this pretty face fool you. I am smarter than the average squirrel. I work on leverage and other people’s birdseed. I sleep late, go to bed early, sun myself for hours during the day and enjoy the good life. You mess with me, I give you just enough rope to hang your new feeder.
—Hairy Houdini