Vote the Squirrelly Neighbor Party

If your future seems scary, vote for Hairy

I'm Hairy Houdini and I approve this mess

I have been considering running for office. I don’t know which one. I don’t think it makes much difference. I am not looking for recognition as a civic leader. I just want a nice, cushy job in some branch of government with a secure retirement.

I would have to be nuts to keep working my tail off gathering and saving, risking life and limb, day and night, day in and day out, through thick and thin, fighting the elements, and just barely making ends meet.

My friends say holding public office means tak- ing a lot of abuse. That is not a problem for me. I have been taking abuse from the time I opened my good eye. I will never forget the first time a lady caught me with my fingers in her feed and knocked on her picture window and called me things my mother said I should never say. It really bothered me that first time. But after about a week I never gave it another thought. I left my self-pride on that first bird feeder and never went back for it. Washington would be a cake-walk for me.

There will be a few things I will have to get used to though. As a John Q. Public squirrel, I have always had to stash my own cache of nuts away every late summer and fall and carefully withdraw them a few at a time all winter to survive. It seems a little odd to be able to just grab everyone else’s nuts anytime I want to.

When I first heard about political positions and how well they paid, I just wouldn’t believe it was true. But the more I looked into it, the more I could see this was a job fit for the King of Rodents—and that’s me. What a scam!

It’s too good to be true. Somebody slap me! Get this, if I’m elected and can fool most of the people most of the time, I will be able to retire with more nuts than a Georgia peanut farmer. Not only that, but let’s say down the road we have a drought and there are no nuts. It doesn’t matter. My cost-of-surviving increase continues to grow whether there’s nuts to cover it or not. Politicians are not stupid. They pay themselves first and then if there is anything left, they bury it and hope no one finds it until they’re in a position to double-dip a bit. That means they get two nuts for doing twice as much of nothing for half as long as doing nothing once or twice. I don’t want to miss the boat. I need your vote.