Squirrel's View of Hot Pepper

Christmas is coming and I know a lot of you are getting Hot Pepper to keep furballs off your bird feeders. I would just like to say a few choice words to those of you using hot pepper powder in your bird feeders to keep me out— "Get A Life."

First of all, if you haven't figured it out—it doesn't work. I don't mind the stuff at all. Second, it may not be all that healthy for your birds. Sure, they have very undeveloped taste buds but what do you think it's doing to their short digestive system?

To test my theory, eat a jar of hot jalapena peppers while holding your nose so you don't taste them. Do it quickly. If you aren't dead in 12 hours, go ahead and feed your birds hot pepper. But don't count on my not showing up for seconds, thirds and fourths. I quickly develop a taste for any recipe that includes birdseed. I may spend a little more time at your birdbath, but you won't rid your life of me with an expensive additive.

You could take the funny money you are spending on that stuff and invest in additional seed to treat me with. Think about it. A 50-lb. bag of black oil sells for $9 to $13 in most areas. To treat 50-lbs. of seed with pepper powder you need $5 worth. That $5 could buy another 25-lbs. of seed for me.If it makes you feel better, I will sit on the feeder and breathe like a dragon. But let's not spend hard-earned money making each other miserable. You try the stuff and if it keeps one of my brother furballs from eating your seed, I'll eat your hat if you fill it with birdseed!

What are they going to think of next to keep me off the feeder. I finally figured that stupid merry-go-round feeder out. I discovered if I hold the perch down with my paw I can wear the battery out in ten minutes. That's not to say I don't enjoy spinning around on that expensive little furball flinging feeder. Squirrels are like Top Gun fighter pilots. We can take G-force stronger than a woodpeckers head bouncing back from a hardwood tree.You think landing on an aircraft carrier is difficult try jumping off your roof and hitting the icy tin roof of a bird feeder with pie tins strung up around it.

I can't believe so many people would trash up their yard with contraptions above and below their bird feeder. They go out and buy a hundred dollar work of art that stores seed for their little feather dusters, then paste a landfill of gadgets and contraptions all over it to keep a cute little fuzz-faced furball like me from eating a couple seeds now and then from it. I'm sure passersby must think the same thing I do when they see that mess. They must be saying, "those people have just too much time on their hands," because that is exactly what I say.

Save your money and time and spread a little holiday cheer my way. If you promise not to give me any hot pepper, I promise not to give you any hot tongue or cold shoulder in the New Year. Peace Brother! --Hairy Houdini

Ground Hog Day Fallacy

What’s with all the attention for those lazy whistle pigs. They are so low on the squirrel family tree, I don’t even consider them kissin’ cousins. They sleep all winter. I don’t mean hole up for a couple days if a blizzard blows in. I mean they actually sleep all winter. The myth about them waking up on February 2nd and looking for their shadow—give me a break. Some furball from Pennsylvania named Phil supposedly does that. If the truth were known somebody wakes him up kickin’ and screamin’. Why would he get up in the cold hard depth of winter and lie about the weather. Spring is not right around the corner in February. The way I figure it—if I still don’t have at least half my nuts left on February 2nd, I am going to have to spend twice as much of my time at your bird feeder in early spring. I don’t know who put woodchucks in the same category as squirrels. Have you seen the haircut on those dirt diggers. You could shine your boots with them. Not only that—they’re rude. When they are courting they whistle. Most females find that offensive. But when you live out here where I do, that’s all you hear in the springtime. Those pigs wakeup and start whistling. Go figure! --H. Houdini

Vote for Lower Birdseed Prices

Thank goodness for mid-term elections. I lost over a pound this summer from slim pickin’s. Everyone was putting all their money in the gas tank and leaving the bird feeder empty. Election pitches start hitting the airwaves and all of a sudden the gas price drops a buck and the feeder is full of sunflower seed again. I am really going to pig out this fall. Biologists think my hyper activity is caused from the onset of winter weather. WRONG! It has more to do with Social, Political and Economic change.
Humans are so stupid. I discovered this at a very young age when it was apparent to me that they couldn’t keep a little furball out of a bird feeder. It is so funny. They think gas prices are controlled by supply and demand. They don’t realize that as soon as the election is over the price of gas is going through the roof. It is pretty obvious to me. I’m gettin while the gettin’s good. While they are feeling generous with the seed I’m demanding supply. I’m filling my belly then my knothole.
I’m not going through fall with my rose-colored glasses on just to find them frosted over in late November when the feeder goes dry again.
I would fill my neighbor’s attic with seed again this year but it’s going to be cold in there. He won’t be able to heat the joint even when oil goes back to 80 bucks a barrel.
Personally, I’m voting for lower black-oil sunflower seed prices. I'm also looking at a lot of single cruises. I could spend the winter on a warm sunny cruise and I hear all you do is eat. No wonder they call them "Love Boats."


Hairy Houdini is a nationally syndicated columnist. His views are his alone and not necessarily those of The Dick E. Bird News. Except when he says nice stuff about us! --H. Houdini